


Ties that Bind

by mangetsu_san



Category: ONEUS (Band), ONEWE (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Brotherly Love, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Confessions, Family Bonding, Family Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:47:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26580877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mangetsu_san/pseuds/mangetsu_san
Summary: Four times Dongju realized his twin was the greatest gift he ever got, and one time he tried to give him something in return
Relationships: Kim Geonhak | Leedo/Son Dongju | Xion, Lee Giwook | Cya/Son Dongmyeong, Son Dongju | Xion & Son Dongmyeong
Comments: 32
Kudos: 152
Collections: WEUS Harvest Moon Fest





	Ties that Bind

**Author's Note:**

> TW (starts and ends after #2): non-graphic bullying and homophobia  
> Disclaimer: I tried to stay as close to canon as possible, but I had to make some very minor changes for the sake of the plot, such as how MAS0094 was formed, the twins going to the same high school, etc. I hope it doesn't bother you!

**1.**

In the first grade of elementary school, Dongju’s and Dongmyeong’s teacher made everyone in class write an essay about their family for homework. Dongju wasn’t interested in wasting precious playtime on homework, so he wrote his parents’ occupations and rough physical descriptions. He also mentioned his mother’s great cooking and thanked them both for bringing him into a happy family. Just before handing in the essay, he remembered to add an important sentence.

_“Oh. I also have a twin brother named Dongmyeong, but you already know him.”_

When the teacher asked to hear a couple of essays, Dongmyeong was the first volunteer. He stood up, proudly cleared his throat, and started. Just like Dongju, he gave the class a brief introduction to his parents. According to him, his mom was the best mom in the world, and his dad was ‘so cool and good at basketball, but not better than him’. And then he wrote about Dongju.

“Being an older brother is very burdensome,” he read seriously, and the class burst into laughter. “I have to play games with him, even though he’s bad, and mom and dad can’t spend all their time with me. Also, we don’t have enough space in our room for the racecar bed I want. But I like my brother. It’s kind of cool, because no one else has a twin. Dongju-ya, let’s stay twins for a long time.”

The teacher thanked Dongmyeong for that wonderful essay, and Dongju suddenly felt embarrassed that he didn’t write more.

“We can’t _stop_ being twins, dumbass,” Dongju whispered when Dongmyeong sat down.

“Really?! But mom said we’re gonna look even more different when we grow up…”

“Would you like to read your take on your family, Dongju?” the teacher asked, interrupting their debate.

“Ah, I… I didn’t write it.”

The teacher shook her head in disappointment and wrote something down in her notebook. “Make sure to hand it in tomorrow.”

When he came home that day, his old essay now just a crumpled ball of paper at the bottom of his backpack, he thought for the first time in his life about what it meant to be a twin. To him, it had always been as natural as breathing – Dongmyeong had simply always been there, a friend and in a way, an extension of himself. But Dongmyeong’s essay gave him a different perspective. _It’s kind of cool, because no one else has a twin_.

He was still too young to know how to put it into words, but once he let his thoughts about the word “family” run freely, he realized most of it was actually about Dongmyeong. And he was right – it was kind of cool that he got to share his birthday, his room and his parents with his best friend.

His friends would often tease him about it, but Dongju meant what he said in that one video message to Dongmyeong – he liked being his twin. It gave him at least a thousand headaches over the course of their lives, but he didn’t know where he’d be without him. Definitely not on a world tour with an idol group. Definitely not as happy as he was now.

A kid like Dongju would’ve probably found it very hard to survive the world without a twin like Dongmyeong. He was always a scrawny, timid, hiding-behind-mom’s-skirt kind of kid. He found it hard to make friends, so he usually kept to himself and only played with Dongmyeong. That is, until Dongmyeong started dragging him along to play with his new friends, and he never quite managed to fit in.

When there were five or six of them at the playground, kids were usually quick to forget about Dongju. He couldn’t keep count of the times they forgot to look for him during hide and seek until Dongmyeong reminded them, he always came last in races, and no one but Dongmyeong chose him to play on their volleyball team. But thanks to his twin, at least he didn’t spend his entire childhood playing with imaginary friends.

Dongmyeong was his voice when he couldn’t speak, always pushing him forward, always sticking up for him, and Dongju didn’t even realize until one faithful Halloween how precious it was to have someone like that.

They were five, and they’d just stopped wearing matching outfits every day, but as a compromise their mom insisted they kept matching their Halloween costumes. It was a great passion of hers ever since they were just ten months old – she’d spend weeks sewing them unique costumes, much more intricate than any store-bought Spiderman suit, and they loved it. That's why Halloween became both of the twins’ favorite holiday. They got to become ghosts, pirates, scary wild animals - whatever they wanted, their mom would make it happen.

That particular year, though, they got a VHS cassette player for their birthday, and a vast collection of Disney movies from their aunt that her daughters had outgrown. Their parents would play them one of those cassettes every night hoping it would lull them to sleep, and it worked, for Dongmyeong, but Dongju was absolutely enchanted.

Before that he’d only ever watched cable TV cartoons, which were limited to only one episode a day. It was his first time watching a whole fairytale unfold before him, and it was far more magical than when his mother just read them to him. What he loved most about this new world he discovered were the princesses. Brilliant, beautiful princesses. They twirled in their big dresses as they sang their songs, often accompanied by little forest animals, and Dongju soon announced to his mom that he was going to become a princess when he grows up. She just chuckled and ruffled his hair.

Ten months later, Dongju was still fiercely passionate about Disney princesses, so when the time came to sew Halloween costumes, he insisted on being Belle from _Beauty and the Beast_.

“But that’s a girl’s costume, Dongju-ya,” his mom explained softly.

“So?” Dongju asked, genuinely confused by his mother’s words.

“Why don’t I make you a prince costume?”

“Princes are boring. They only appear at the end of the movie, and they don’t even sing.”

“Listen, Ju-ya, you can’t be a princess,” she said quietly. Even though he was too young to understand many things, he knew what his mom’s current posture meant. She squatted down, put both hands on his little shoulders and looked at him with a weak and apologetic smile. It was the same thing she did when she told him Dongmyeong accidentally overfed their first pet goldfish, or when she threw away his pet rock after that, not knowing it was a pet.

“Why?” Dongju’s eyes filled with tears. Mom always let them be whatever they wanted for Halloween, and he’d been looking forward to being a princess for what felt like the entirety of his little life. Princess dresses didn't look very practical to play around in, and school required uniforms, so Halloween was his only chance to ever wear a princess dress. He couldn't understand why his mom was making such a fuss over one costume, when she _knew_ how much Halloween meant to him.

“Listen, let’s ask Dongmyeongie what he wants to be,” she tried to compromise. “You have to match your costumes, and I’m sure he doesn’t want to be a princess. What do you want to be, Myeongie?”

“I want to be a princess too!” Dongmyeong smiled enthusiastically.

“Wh-why, where’s that coming from?! I knew I shouldn’t have let unnie give you those cassettes…”

“Please, mom, _please_ , can we be princesses?” Dongmyeong pulled on her sleeve and gave her his widest smile, the one she could never resist.

“Don’t you have any other ideas, Myeongie?” she tried one last time.

“No, I want to be a princess!” he said decisively.

“Well, I guess, if you both want it…”

The twins immediately jumped into their mother’s arms and attacked both her cheeks with kisses, making her giggle so much that she quickly lost any doubts she had about sewing them princess dresses. “Which princesses do you want to be?”

“Belle!” Dongju yelled. When she looked at Dongmyeong, he didn’t say anything.

“Me too!”

They returned to their bedroom to play, and Dongju was over the moon that he was finally going to spin around in his very own princess dress. He was more excited for Halloween than ever before, knowing that his mom would make him the prettiest princess in the world. Dongmyeong, on the other hand, just spread their Legos over the floor and started telling him what he was going to build today, as if nothing happened.

“You don’t even know any princesses,” Dongju said while he helped his brother build a spaceship. “Didn’t you say you want to be a robot for Halloween?”

“Let’s be robots next year,” Dongmyeong smiled, and asked Dongju to hand him a red Lego.

**2.**

Dongju first felt a gap opening between himself and his brother when they started high school. Dongmyeong won singing competition after competition, became class president and vice-president of the student committee, and it seemed he was friends with the whole school. Compared to him, Dongju only had his grades to brag about, and even those weren’t the best in class. He didn’t have any extracurriculars he wanted to participate in, and still no friends other than Dongmyeong.

And he was fine with that, really. He liked the peace his lifestyle brought. Whenever he heard people around him whisper about the drama that was going on in school, he thought about how glad he was to be away from all that. As his parents told him, it was enough to focus on his studies, and when the time comes he’ll find what he wants to do and who he wants to surround himself with.

It would’ve been fine, if not for everyone constantly comparing him to his brother. It seemed that everyone, from teachers to classmates, wanted him to be Dongmyeong – if only he raised his hand a bit more often, if only he didn’t just sit in silence whenever they all went to karaoke together, if only he was as energetic and cute and ambitious as Dongmyeong.

He never resented his brother for it, though he did wish he was all those things people wanted him to be. But it was what it was, and it was that way since they were children. They weren’t polar opposites like most people thought, with Dongmyeong being a bouncy ball of sunshine and Dongju being some kind of ice prince. Dongju was just a bit more wary of strangers, it just took him a little longer to show the same softness and warmth that his brother proudly radiated.

Things changed when a shy boy named Giwook moved to the house next to theirs, and coincidentally, transferred to their class too.

Giwook was just as immersed in his own little world as Dongju, which is why Dongmyeong approached him on the first day of school and invited him to have lunch with them. After they found out they were next-door neighbors too, the trio started walking to and from school together every day, and soon they were inseparable. Even the twins’ mom joked how he must’ve accidentally left the third triplet at the hospital.

Giwook brought balance to their little friend group. He was soft-spoken like Dongju, but still playful and friendly like Dongmyeong, so he helped both of them work on their shortcomings. He went to social events to keep Dongju company in case Dongmyeong got lost somewhere, and he reminded Dongmyeong to slow down sometimes and just enjoy pizza nights with them instead of doing student council paperwork. He had a calming effect on both twins.

His first real non-Dongmyeong friend seemed to be the missing puzzle piece for Dongju, because after meeting Giwook, his insecurities about being the lesser twin almost disappeared. He didn’t know exactly why, because it was obvious Giwook was actually closer to Dongmyeong, but he wasn’t even jealous of that. He was just happy to have a routine that didn’t drain him too much. He was happy to be Son Dongju and no one else.

It was all perfect, until he got his first confession.

He was only sixteen at the time, or at least “only” was the adverb he had put on it, but once again, his reality seemed to flow parallel to everyone else’s. While his classmates were well into their first relationships, or at least constantly talking about the opposite sex, Dongju never as much as felt his heart skip a beat because of another person.

He felt like he should feel bad about it, like he should think there was something wrong with him, but it didn’t really bother him. Dongmyeong never talked about crushes either, and they were twins – if he did like someone, he would’ve definitely told him. Dongju did have one lingering suspicion, but it seemed too far-fetched, so he didn’t think much of his brother’s love life when he had enough on his own plate.

However, when the most beautiful girl in school, the girl _every_ other boy had a crush on, confessed to him and he didn’t feel a thing, he was pretty sure that wasn’t normal. He didn’t even know how to react – she was so expectant, smiling like she already knew he’d accept, and was now only waiting to hear it. That arrogance ticked him off, but he had to be kind unless he wanted her army of fans to start a witch hunt on him.

For a second, he even considered dating her, just to see what all the talk’s about, and if it could somehow fix his suspicious indifference to romance, but quickly decided it was too cruel. At the end of the day, they knew nothing about each other – the only reason she liked him could be his appearance, and Dongju didn’t want to date someone that superficial, even if just for show.

He rejected her as politely as he knew, and she accepted it as gracefully as she could, given how shocked she was by that outcome. Dongju pretended not to notice four of her friends poorly hiding behind a wall and reading his lips, and went back to his day as if nothing happened.

Well, only for three whole classes, because by the time lunch break rolled around, the whole school was talking about him.

Dongju had never, ever, been the center of attention. Not at family gatherings, not in class, not anywhere. He was comfortable in Dongmyeong's shadow, in his own corner with his two friends, and suddenly being ripped out of it was terrifying. Chills started running down his spine when he noticed everyone’s eyes were glued to his back – people he didn’t even know were whispering his name like a curse word.

He knew the only reason for this sudden change could’ve been the rejection, but he had no idea how they could’ve spun that into something deserving of such dirty looks. And he knew they did, because people avoided his eyes in the hallways but shot him poisonous glares as he ate his lunch. He reluctantly asked Dongmyeong and Giwook if they knew anything, but they looked just as clueless.

For better or for worse, the answer came in the form of a fist banging right next to Dongju’s food tray.

“Well well, here’s the homo that rejected Hyemi,” a guy laughed. Dongju recognized him, they were in the same class, but there were three more people around their table that he did not recognize. They looked like upperclassmen. They were tall, and strong, and so, so very angry.

Dongmyeong and Giwook were frozen too, but no one paid them any attention. All four of them were crowding Dongju’s space, making his pulse spike and his mouth gape uselessly.

“Is it true?” one of them raised an eyebrow. “Nah, you can deny it all you want, but Hwanhee heard you say it. You’re disgusting.”

“I, I –” Dongju stuttered, but his own throat betrayed him and nothing coherent came out. He didn’t know who Hwanhee even was, but he assumed it was one of those friends that followed Hyemi to the infamous confession that morning.

“Not even gonna deny it, huh?” the boy from his class approached him with that malicious smile again, his face too close for comfort. “Fine. I’ll just let everyone know for you. Everyone, Son Dongju is a fucking fa –”

“That’s enough!” Dongmyeong banged his chopsticks against the table. “Shouldn’t you be happy he didn’t steal your crush? Leave him alone.”

“What, are you like him too?” another bully chuckled at him, because they didn’t see Dongmyeong as a real threat.

“That’s right.”

Now was Dongju’s turn to freeze, because he couldn’t believe Dongmyeong, easy-going, popular, diplomatic Dongmyeong, was staring down guys a head taller than him with no fear and so much rage in his eyes.

“You’re a good guy, Myeongie,” their classmate laughed, not believing Dongmyeong for a second. “You don’t have to do this. No one’s gonna hate _you_ because your brother’s a –”

“Fucking watch me, Changmin,” Dongmyeong spat, then grabbed his backpack from the table and marched off.

Dongju’s first instinct was to follow him, but he noticed Giwook hadn’t moved an inch, and he had to check if he was even breathing first. The four bullies looked down at them with resentment, but they walked away from their table, and the rest of the cafeteria took it as a sign to turn their heads away and pretend they weren’t staring.

It was still quiet, too quiet for Dongju’s liking, and all he could think about was where the hell Dongmyeong went.

“He probably went to the bathroom to cool off,” Giwook finally spoke, and Dongju was legitimately afraid their twin telepathy had somehow extended onto him. “He’ll be back. You know he never leaves his food unfinished.”

Dongju just nodded, still too confused to string a sentence, but Giwook’s words had reassured him. He tried to focus on the remainder of his lunch, even though he’d lost all appetite, so he ended up sliding the food around the plate and bouncing his leg under the table. He didn’t like not having Dongmyeong there when he was anxious.

Ten minutes later, Dongmyeong returned, but instead of sitting down, he climbed on the table and cleared his throat.

“Hey, assholes,” he addressed the whole cafeteria. “I have a very important announcement to make, so listen up.”

When Dongju looked up, along with everyone else in the room, he realized Dongmyeong had a full face of make-up on. It was awful make-up, like the result of a five-year-old child playing in their mom’s make-up drawer, but it was bright and obvious and very, very shiny.

Dongju had never seen his brother in make-up before, he had so many questions, but he was too distracted by everything that was going on to dwell on them. Dongmyeong’s lips were painted red, and his eyelids were sparkling with pink glitter that was very obviously just applied with his finger in a rush. Dongju heard a couple of shocked, stifled laughs, but most people were just like him, too shocked to react.

“I, Son Dongmyeong, am completely, one-hundred-percent gay,” Dongmyeong shouted. “I’m _gay_. I. Like. Men.”

“Get down, you idiot,” Dongju muttered under his breath, pulling on Dongmyeong’s ankle in a futile attempt to get him down. It was embarrassing enough that he’d just been bullied in front of the whole school, and now his brother decided to put on a show too, make-up and all. His voice was loud and clear, confidently echoing through the cafeteria without a hint of sarcasm, and it was absolutely insane, even for Dongmyeong.

“You know what else I like? I like make-up,” Dongmyeong continued without flinching. “I liked dressing like a princess when I was little. I could probably still rock a skirt, to be honest. And you know what I _really_ fucking like? I like dancing to Twice songs. I know all their choreos. So if I hear one more word about Dongju, you _will_ be like TT.”

A couple of girls couldn’t hold in their giggles, and honestly, Dongju would’ve laughed too, if his lifespan hadn’t just been cut in half. Dongmyeong thanked everyone for their attention and finally sat down.

“What _the hell_ do you think you’re doing?!” Dongju growled.

Dongmyeong looked unbothered, though, and returned to his lunch with full appetite. He looked at Dongju with fake confusion, as if he wasn’t even sure what his brother was referring to, and Dongju couldn’t do anything but sigh. Giwook didn’t look at either of them, a faint blush painting his cheeks, but Dongju didn't think it was embarrassment.

“Do you think I have enough time to buy choco pie?”

* * *

“Dongju.”

Dongju didn’t reply.

“Dongju.”

Ever since they got home from school, Dongmyeong had been trying to get his attention, but truthfully, Dongju just wanted to sleep. He wanted the world to disappear, or to swallow him whole, or whatever it could do to ensure he never had to go to school again.

After the most eventful lunch break of their lives, Dongmyeong was called to the principal’s office, but at least no one dared talk about either of them anymore, and things went back to normal. Dongmyeong, being Dongmyeong, worked his magic on the principal and got off the hook with just a promise to do better and take the cleaning duties for a month, but Dongju couldn’t help but feel guilty.

He knew Dongmyeong wasn’t “completely, one-hundred percent” gay, and even if he was, he definitely had no plans of coming out to the whole school like that. He wouldn’t have had to ruin his reputation like that, if he didn’t have a twin brother who couldn’t even stand up for himself. There was no way to know what their lives would be like from now on – if everyone would forget about this in a month, or if they’ll relentlessly bully them until they have to move cities and Giwook stops talking to them and their parents disown them too.

“Dongju,” Dongmyeong sighed one last time. “You don’t have to talk to mom and dad about what happened, but you have to talk to me. I’m your brother.”

Dongju didn’t even look at him, face still buried deep in his pillow. Dongmyeong knew by the way his body and breathing were perfectly calm that he wasn’t crying, he just wanted to be left alone. But Dongmyeong was nothing if not persistent.

“You know, there’s nothing wrong with liking guys,” he leaned on the bed frame under his brother’s pillow and started talking. “I mean, I like girls, _a lot_ , but I don’t know! I could like a guy too! So if you do, like guys, I mean, that’s totally cool! I get that!”

“I don’t,” Dongju said before Dongmyeong could continue blabbering, but hey, at least he got his face out of the pillow. “But I don’t like girls either. I just don’t like anyone. Why do I have to like someone?”

“Oh. No, you definitely don’t! I mean, to be honest, people at our school aren’t even that hot,” Dongmyeong went right back to talking nonsense. “You know that’s why they bullied you, right? They’re jealous that all the girls like you, and the girls are mad you’re the only one who doesn’t give them attention.”

“Really?” Dongju frowned unamusedly, as if saying _‘That’s it?’_.

“Yeah, Hyemi just couldn’t deal with rejection, because she thinks she’s so perfect. She just said it to save her own reputation. And the guys, well, they were just really mad that you stole their crush.”

“That’s so fucking dumb,” Dongju scoffed. “But it was worth it. I got to see you look like a clown in front of the whole school.”

“I did _not_ look like a clown!” Dongmyeong flicked his forehead. “I looked pretty! I didn’t really look like a clown, did I?”

“You kinda did,” Dongju couldn’t lie. “Where did you even _get_ all that?”

“The store?” Dongmyeong shrugged, but Dongju could sense a shift in him. He could see him trying to pick the right words in his head, so he waited for his brother to stop squirming before asking the next question.

“So… it’s all yours?”

“Yep. Guess they got the wrong twin,” Dongmyeong laughed nervously. “I mean, I still like girls, you know! I didn’t lie about that! It’s just… you know.”

“You just like Giwook a little more,” Dongju grinned from ear to ear.

“G-gi-Giwook?!” Dongmyeong almost choked on air. “Why, why would I like _Giwook_?! No, he’s my best friend! No!”

“Oh, cut the crap,” Dongju rolled his eyes. “Twin telepathy, remember?”

“I hate that thing so much.” It was just a stupid game they played as kids, where they tried to guess what the other one was thinking about. Dongju wasn’t supposed to be able to actually read his mind.

“So?” Dongju laughed at Dongmyeong’s tomato-red face. “Are you gonna confess to him?”

“Absolutely not.” 

“Why?”

“ _Why_? So I don’t lose the only friend I didn’t share the womb with?”

“What are you talking about? You have plenty of friends.”

“No, I have plenty of people I’m _friendly_ with. It’s not the same,” Dongmyeong’s voice became quieter. “No one knows me like you and Giwook do. No one knows… well, the part of me that likes to play with make-up. Or the part of me that loves music. They think it’s cool that I can play an instrument, you know, as a hobby, but if I… for example, said I wanted to start a band instead of going to college, they’d think I’m a loser.”

“Is that really what you want?”

“I mean, yeah?” Dongmyeong returned the question. “I don’t know! No, I do, I do know! Yes, that’s what I want. But it’s not like I’m gonna actually do it.”

“Why not?”

“You and your why’s…” Dongmyeong scoffed, just when his phone went off with a text notification. He immediately fished it from his pocket, and when he read the text, he smiled so wide that Dongju was worried his face would split in half.

“That’s Giwook, isn’t it?”

“No –” Before Dongmyeong could finish, his brother swiftly took his phone from his hands.

 _“You looked pretty with make-up,”_ Dongju read in a comically high voice that sounded nothing like Giwook. “He’s totally flirting with you!”

“No, that’s just what friends do! Be nice to each other! Unlike you!”

“No, real friends tell you when you look like a clown. Friends who want to bang you tell you you look pretty.”

“You’re so mean!” Dongmyeong whined. “No, wait, what are you doing! Dongju! Give me my phone back!”

Despite Dongmyeong’s best efforts, he didn’t get his phone back until the message was sent.

“ _Don’t I always look pretty_ ?!” Dongmyeong’s face contorted in horror. “And a _winky face_?! You’re dead, Son Dongju, you’re fucking dead.”

“Why are you so angry?” Dongju grinned like his brother wasn’t now straddling him and holding a pillow over his face, ready to suffocate him. “If you really are “just friends”, he’ll know it’s just some friendly banter.”

Before Dongmyeong got the chance to become an only child, his phone pinged once again and he almost fell out the bed reaching for it.

“You’re smiling like an idiot again,” Dongju noticed.

“None of your business,” Dongmyeong stuck his tongue out at him, but Dongju’s reflexes were once again quick enough to steal the phone from him.

“ _I_ _was being sarcastic…_ ” Dongju read. “Aw, he’s flustered.”

“No, that just means we’re friends!”

“No, that means he’s panicking.”

“Here you go, I can’t do all the work for you, but this should be a good start,” Dongju gave him back his phone only after he sent one more text.

“ _So you don’t think I’m pretty?_ ” Dongmyeong read, looking like he was about to pass out. “Oh my god, and you just had to add _that_ emoji.”

“Thank me later,” Dongju said sassily, as if he was some kind of a love guru all of a sudden, despite never having felt anything remotely close to a crush.

He had a hunch his brother liked their friend for a few months now, but he didn’t want to confront him about it before Dongmyeong was ready. It might’ve slipped past anyone who didn’t know Dongmyeong literally his entire life, and it definitely slipped past Giwook, but to Dongju it was clear as day.

It was all in stolen glances, subtle but overflowing with love, ambiguous touches, in the way Dongmyeong’s smile got just a millimeter wider whenever Giwook’s name was mentioned. Dongju didn’t have any personal experience to compare it to, but his brother’s behavior looked like a textbook example of all those “How to know if he likes you” articles the girls in their class read religiously.

“How did you know you liked him?” he asked, just out of curiosity. If he couldn’t develop feelings of his own, at least he could live vicariously through his twin.

“I don’t know,” Dongmyeong explained shyly. “I always thought he was cool, and cute, and I wanted to be with him all the time, and then… Nothing special happened, I just looked at him one day and I was like. _Wow. This isn’t just friendship._ And then I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

Dongju had been sure there had to be something more to it, something more akin to earthquakes and fireworks, but what Dongmyeong said made more sense than that. That was the kind of love he could imagine himself being in, one day, if the right person ever comes along. Something just a touch bigger than friendship, but just a touch shy of madness. It sounded fun from an outside perspective, but he could see a look of exasperation on his brother’s face. It must be frustrating, having such strong feelings and nothing to do about them.

He didn’t want to grill Dongmyeong about it anymore. As curious as he was, he knew that his brother would come to him first whenever he needed to vent, now that the secret was out. Even though he wasn’t the one who just came out, it felt like a weight lifted off his own chest, and he didn’t know if it was the superhuman empathy he had for Dongmyeong and Dongmyeong only, or relief that his brother trusted him enough. Either way, it made him feel all sorts of warm and happy.

“Just so you know,” Dongju said after some time. “I don’t think you’re a loser. Not for liking music, not for liking make-up. You looked like a clown because you’re just really bad at it. I mean, really, red lip and sparkly pink eyeshadow _and_ dark eyeliner? I wanted to bully you too.”

“Thank you,” Dongmyeong said fondly. “I’ll work harder.”

“Maybe you could… practice on me?” Dongju offered. “I mean, I’m much prettier than you, so it’s probably easier to do make-up on a symmetrical canvas.”

“I’m gonna make you so ugly, you’ll beg me to trade faces,” Dongmyeong smiled wickedly as he reached for his backpack and the red lipstick inside it.

* * *

The next few months passed in Dongmyeong whining about Giwook every single night. It was obvious how long he’d been holding back, because now that he could openly talk to his brother about it, he couldn’t shut up. The moment they came back from school, he would jump on his bed theatrically and let out a groan that let Dongju know he was going to be listening about how pretty Giwook’s smile is for the next thirty minutes.

Dongju learned to drown it out after a while, but he still hated seeing his brother so distressed. He decided to fight fire with fire – pester Dongmyeong about confessing his feelings until he gets so annoyed he finally does it. And in less than a month, the plan worked, as if it was the final push Dongmyeong needed.

Dongju faked being sick to stay at home that day, and Dongmyeong waited for Giwook at the school gates. Out of nervousness, he accidentally asked him to start a band together instead. Giwook couldn’t even play any instruments back then, but he went to the instrument store with Dongmyeong and started learning bass guitar from online tutorials. They put up posters around the school and found three more upperclassmen willing to join them, who soon became an extension of Dongju’s family.

And it all worked out, because on the next Valentine’s Day, Giwook made Dongmyeong a box of heart-shaped chocolates that said everything the two of them were too afraid to say out loud.

Usually Dongju would be upset about becoming a third wheel, but he had three new friends to gag with whenever his brother and his boyfriend did as much as hold hands. Giwook took his spot as Dongmyeong’s make-up guinea pig (which he was infinitely grateful for), but never as the most important person in Dongmyeong’s life.

**3.**

When they graduated high school, Dongju took a gap year to become the unofficial sixth member of Dongmyeong’s band, MAS0094. He couldn’t help them much music-wise, but he served as their manager, following them wherever they played, making sure they had enough water and snacks in the dressing room, helping them carry and set up their instruments, and little things like that.

As music slowly became a big part of his life, he came to understand why Dongmyeong loved it so much. When he first saw his brother on stage, shining like he never had before, completely transformed with a keyboard under his fingers and the most confident, sincere smile on his face, Dongju teared up. Of course, he hid the tears well, blamed them on the smoke machine that was just in front of him, but deep down he knew that it was the pride he felt for his brother. It was also relief, relief that Dongmyeong found a way to be himself. He wished he had something like that too.

Even as just a part of the crowd, the bright stage lights and booming speakers made him feel something stronger than anything he’d ever felt before. He felt a sense of belonging – singing his heart out and letting the rest of the world fade away felt right to him. And not just as a weekend pastime, like it was for most people – he realized he needed this, more than he needed a stable job, more than he needed to make his parents proud, even more than his safe and comfortable identity as a twin.

He spent a long time figuring out what that meant for him. He couldn’t dance, or perform, or play an instrument like Dongmyeong, so he didn’t dare imagine himself up on stage. All he knew was that he felt alive at MAS0094’s concerts, not as “one of the Son twins”, not as “that handsome guy from 3-C”, he just felt like Son Dongju for the first time in his life, and he needed to explore that. Now that they were both eighteen, living as his brother’s shadow wasn’t enough anymore.

Dongmyeong already had it figured out, he had a passion and a boyfriend and a whole group of true, ride-or-die friends, but Dongju had nothing. He felt like he was falling behind, like that one-minute difference between them suddenly became one decade, and it all hit the fan when MAS0094 signed with a well-known company and became bigger than Dongju could handle.

They didn’t need him anymore – no one said it, but he could feel it. They were still his closest friends, but the louder the crowd screamed their names, the more Dongju felt like nothing but their lap dog. They had real staff now to do everything that used to be Dongju’s job, a real manager, real fans, and Dongju lost the only thing he belonged to.

Dongmyeong seemed to have caught onto that. He always did.

“Why don’t you audition for RBW too?”

Dongju would forever remember that moment, the night his destiny took shape. They were the last two left backstage after a concert, and Dongmyeong told his members to go without them when he noticed his brother looking absent. After their usual push-and-pull, Dongju broke down and told him everything that had been on his mind for months, and that was Dongmyeong’s only response. As if it were the most logical thing in the world.

Dongju laughed it off. He told him the things he’d told himself over and over again, about how he wasn’t talented enough, but Dongmyeong wouldn’t hear it.

“Of course you’re talented, you share DNA with me, after all,” he joked. “No, seriously, you don’t need to play an instrument to be an idol trainee. And you’re definitely not tone-deaf, you always help us when we’re writing new songs or practicing. It may seem insignificant to you, like you’re just pointing out details to make us look a little cooler, but it’s actually things like that that make the difference between a boring performance and a great one.”

“I can’t believe you’re saying this seriously,” Dongju laughed. “Forget it, I’m not an idol.”

“But you are!” Dongmyeong insisted. “You said it yourself! I know because I feel the same way you do! Like the music’s gonna swallow me whole whenever I’m close to the stage, but it’s the only way to be myself.”

Dongju realized then that no one would ever be able to understand him the way his brother did. It was exactly what he felt, what he couldn’t put into words on his own. So he decided he needed to be as brave as Dongmyeong when he asked his best friend to start a band and printed out those posters.

If he wanted to be himself, and not just a cowardly version of Dongmyeong, he needed to let the music swallow him whole.

* * *

Dongju went to the audition without any expectations.

It was intimidating, with so many people crowding the hallways of the company, wearing expressions that ranged from cocky to nervous to the point of fainting. Dongju didn’t want to focus on them too much, because he knew it would only make him more insecure. If he unglued his eyes from the ground, he’d definitely find boys more handsome than him, and his brain would turn them into gods even though he actually knew nothing about their skills.

He almost felt like an impostor just for being there. Most people in the room were younger than him, they’d probably been harboring dreams of becoming idols for much longer than him, and he was just there because of a silly epiphany he had at a concert. He fiddled with the application number the staff had stuck to his t-shirt, until someone sat down beside him.

Dongju still wasn’t brave enough to look at him, but he knew he was one of the very few prospective trainees that were sitting. Most of them were pacing up and down the hall, or warming up their vocal cords or subtly going over their choreography, but Dongju knew if he stood up, his knees would give out and he’d fall on the spot.

Whoever sat next to him obviously didn’t do so to strike a conversation, because Dongju could see him playing a game on his phone. Was he really that confident? Why’d he even bother to come if he’ll just sit and play mobile games like he’s waiting at the dentist? It ticked Dongju off a little bit, but then again, he wasn’t any better.

Curiosity finally got the best of him, and he glanced up at the offender. Which was a huge mistake, because their eyes met, and Dongju wanted to run out of the building. The guy looked like an idol already, with a slit in his eyebrow and piercings in his ears and a gaze so intimidating that Dongju immediately broke eye contact.

“Ah, hello,” the stranger greeted him quietly. He had the deepest voice Dongju had ever heard, perfectly matching his appearance, but he could hear he was flustered, so that made him a little less intimidating.

“Hi,” Dongju rasped. Suddenly, the audition didn’t look so scary anymore, because he was just going through the most awkward experience of his life.

“I’m Kim Geonhak,” the boy introduced himself with a little bow of his head, and Dongju did the same. “Are you a vocalist? You look like one.”

Dongju was taken aback by that question (and even more by Geonhak’s comment), and dread filled him once again. It was something he hadn’t even stopped to think about. He’d never gotten any training in anything needed to be an idol, never joined the dance club or the school choir, and he hadn’t even dared try to rap while preparing for the audition. He had no idea how to answer Geonhak’s question, but the answer came out of his mouth before he could stop it.

“I’m not anything, really.”

Geonhak laughed at that, but for some reason, Dongju didn’t find it condescending. He was just surprised. Geonhak’s laugh was nice.

“You’re not anything?”

“My brother dragged me here,” Dongju explained.

“Ah, so we’re on the same boat,” Geonhak nodded understandingly. “My friend forced me to come too.”

Dongju found himself surprised by Geonhak for the umpteenth time already, because he looked like he was destined to be an idol. Maybe an underground rapper or a back-up dancer at worst, but Dongju could definitely see music radiating from somewhere deep within him, and he couldn’t see _that_ man having anything in common with someone like him.

Just as he opened his mouth to say something, a staff member came out of the room, along with ten people that had just finished their audition.

“Numbers twenty to thirty, please come in.”

Geonhak looked down at his own chest, then at Dongju’s. “Oh. I guess that’s us.”

This was it. His first performance in front of people who weren’t his brother. Dongmyeong spent months helping him prepare for the audition, teaching him the fundamentals of singing, helping him pick out the songs that would suit him best, and even learning the choreography together with him just so Dongju wouldn’t feel alone. But that was his twin, who’d seen him in much more embarrassing situations, and the judging eyes of nine more competitors and five company employees all glued to him were foreign and horrifying in a way nothing could’ve ever prepared him for.

Number twenty was solid, but just a little plain. There was nothing wrong with his performance, and nothing remarkable either. He chose to sing a pretty difficult ballad, and while there was nothing technically wrong with his performance, his voice didn’t convey the emotions of the song at all. The judging panel asked him to dance before he got halfway through the song, and his dance was, again, fundamentally strong, but lacking in originality.

The next applicant was slightly better. He was a high school freshman at best, that much Dongju could hear just from his voice, so if he could sing and dance like that at such a young age, there was definitely room for him to grow into a star. It made Dongju’s stomach twist a little, because even a kid four years younger than him was more skilled, but he bit his lip and snapped himself back into reality. It wasn’t the right time for self-doubt.

“Thank you. Twenty-two, please come forward.”

That was Dongju’s cue. He took two steps closer to the judges’ table, feeling like his heartbeat was loud enough for the whole room to hear. It echoed through his chest painfully, and he couldn’t look straight at any of the judges to do his self-introduction. Instead, he focused on a point on the wall behind them, said his name and age in a shaky voice, and waited for their sign to start singing.

And when it came, Dongju couldn’t remember anything that happened next. It felt like something possessed his body, sang and danced instead of him, and he was only allowed to return after the next number was called. His own voice sounded foreign to him, his limbs moved solely on muscle memory, but he was just happy he didn’t make any glaring mistakes.

For the next three performances, he still couldn’t get a grip. It felt like his brain had shut down from too much stress, and now he needed time to get the system back up. He watched the boys after him in a daze, not even comparing himself to them like before, because there was nothing he could do about it anymore. He did the best he could, he knew he did, so whatever happened next was out of his hands.

And then number twenty-six was called, and Kim Geonhak stepped forward. He didn’t look as nervous as some of the other boys, with his posture perfectly straight, without a tremble in his voice, but Dongju could see his Adam’s apple bobbing when the judges stayed silent and focused on his written profile moments after his introduction, instead of telling him to start like the other performers.

“You trained at YG Entertainment?”

Dongju could see all eyes in the room going wide, and he was shocked too, but not as much as he should’ve been – Geonhak did give off that aura since their eyes first met. As if he wasn’t intimidating enough to the younger applicants already, the title of a Big 3 trainee now unmistakably set him worlds apart from everyone else.

“Yes, for three years, sir,” he confirmed humbly, almost as if he were uncomfortable with the subject being brought up. To everyone’s relief, the judges didn’t ask any more questions about that, but instead told him to start.

Unlike everyone else Dongju had seen, including himself, Geonhak didn’t have separate songs for the vocal and dance evaluation. He sang and danced at the same time, only taking breaks from the powerful choreo for his rap parts. His entire performance was breath-taking, worthy of a trainee from an elite company, but if Dongju had to choose, he liked his rapping the best. His low tone gave him a charisma that you had to be born with, and he had all the talent needed to become a top-tier idol one day. Judging by the panel’s reactions, Dongju thought it wouldn’t be an overstatement to say he’d already passed the audition.

The panelists thanked them all for coming and told them they’d be informed of their results via e-mail in the next few days. The same staff that had invited them into the room now escorted them out of it and invited the next group in, and only then did Dongju finally feel a weight coming off his chest. He headed straight for the exit, ready to kick Dongmyeong’s ass for making him go through something so stressful.

On the bus back home, he wondered how many people like Geonhak had auditioned with him that day. His last bit of hope of becoming a trainee had vanished after seeing what a professionally-trained performer looked like, but Dongju felt oddly at peace with that. He knew Dongmyeong would tell him to stop being so pessimistic, but it didn’t feel like defeat, just a quiet acceptance. He replayed Geonhak’s audition in his head, and mentally thanked whichever friend of his brought him there that day.

* * *

It was Dongmyeong who broke the news to Dongju.

He had been asleep on a Sunday morning, after staying up all night for a movie marathon, when his brother jumped on him and knocked all the air out of his lungs. He pushed a glowing phone screen in his face and yelled into his ear until Dongju begrudgingly looked at whatever it was he so urgently had to show him at eight in the morning, and it was an e-mail from RBW, confirming that he had passed the audition.

He read the e-mail address over and over again, still thinking someone was pulling a prank on him, but it was real. He became a trainee.

That first day, he was too shocked to be happy, since he’d already made peace with the fact that he was never going to become an idol, so he let Dongmyeong feel all his happiness for him. And Dongmyeong wouldn’t shut up about, immediately calling Giwook to yell about how amazing and talented his little brother was, until Dongju had to remind him he wasn’t debuting, he just became a trainee. In no time, the entirety of Dongmyeong’s band showed up at their door with a cake and snacks to celebrate and started suffocating him with hugs and compliments. It was only then that Dongju finally felt a sense of pride, his first true accomplishment.

Nothing was set in stone yet. Every company had more trainees than they could debut, and making the cut would require a lot of blood, sweat and tears, but Dongju was just happy for the opportunity to spend more time surrounded by music. Even if things didn’t work out perfectly, he would get to learn more about singing and dancing, to meet people like MAS0094 who could inspire him and help him improve, and he finally, finally felt like there was value in him.

On his first day of practice, he saw Geonhak again. He smiled to himself for being right about Geonhak passing the audition, but he didn’t tell him that when they greeted each other. During individual practice time, Geonhak was shy, usually tucked into the corner of the room and focused on his reflection in the mirror as he memorized the choreography, unlike other trainees who were all mingling and helping each other.

Dongju wanted to approach him, but he got the feeling that Geonhak didn’t want to be bothered. Frankly, he was still a little intimidated by him, though not as much as everyone else in the room, judging by their whispers. He’d later learned that Geonhak and him were the only trainees that passed the auditions that day, and everyone else had been in the company longer than them, so it was natural they were keeping their eye on the new guys.

After a month, training groups had rotated, but he stayed in the same group as Geonhak. He didn’t know if it was purely a coincidence or not, but he was thankful for it anyway, because Geonhak soon became someone he looked up to. Not that the other trainees weren’t talented too, because they were all overwhelmingly, crushingly more skilled than him in – it’s _because_ they were that Dongju’s eyes always ended up straying towards Geonhak.

Unlike the others’, Geonhak’s skills didn’t make Dongju feel inferior – he was simply so good that Dongju didn’t see him as competition at all, but someone to learn from and strive towards. Whenever he had a hard time getting a dance routine right, he would glance at Geonhak’s corner, making sure the other couldn’t see him staring, and tried to copy his movements.

In their new group, however, Geonhak wasn’t alone. He was always glued to an intimidating tall guy who launched himself into Geonhak’s arms the first day he came into the practice room, and his tiny friend that the dance instructors always praised as the best dancer among the trainees, and rightfully so. It shouldn’t have made much of a difference to Dongju, since he never talked much to Geonhak in the first place, but he now looked like the only weirdo with no friends, and his holy ritual of secretly learning dance from Geonhak turned into a much sadder ritual of envying his little friend group.

One particular period was so tough on Dongju that he thought about quitting his training. They were assigned an insane choreography, much more powerful than anything Dongju had ever danced before, and he couldn’t even memorize all the fast-changing steps, let alone execute them well. It was too much for someone who’d only been training for two months, and for God knows what reason, the company grouped him with the best of the best, people who’d probably been training for years, people like Geonhak’s intimidating friend who could rap what felt like a million words per second and the short guy that memorized every choreography by only seeing it once.

Dongju was so caught up in his own exhaustion that week to pay attention to them. Geonhak became an afterthought, he’d only glance at him when he left the training room, out of habit. After five hours of practicing only one minute of the song, Dongju collapsed onto the floor, leaving a body-shaped puddle of sweat on the laminate, and his limbs filled with static.

He wanted to cry, but he didn’t have the energy. He couldn’t even blink, eyes zoned out on a spot on the ceiling, and he had to put effort into closing them before they dried. It hit him at that moment that all his efforts were in vain. Maybe if he had started earlier, or learned to play an instrument and joined a band like Dongmyeong, but the way he was now, he could never become a musician. Deep down, he knew it all along, and he still chose to waste time on pursuing something so unrealistic.

And then someone reached out to him.

Dongju looked up from the hand (too small to be Geonhak’s, he noted) to the person holding it out, and he immediately recognized the tiny dancer. His brows were furrowed in concern, but he still gave Dongju a small, reassuring smile.

“Are you okay?”

Without answering, Dongju took his hand and clumsily got up on his feet, because he was embarrassed to be seen like that. He thanked the other trainee, dusted off his clothes and reached for his tablet to unpause the choreography video, but he was stopped.

“Do you want to train together?”

That was how he officially met Hwanwoong, who saved him from failing many dance evaluations to come. He stayed up with him until three in the morning that day, refusing to go home until Dongju got all the steps down, and the next morning Hwanwoong ran to him again, helping him nail all the little details and facial expressions Dongju hadn’t even paid attention to while struggling with the foundation.

While they were practicing, Dongju heard the door creek open and saw Geonhak and his friend come in. Geonhak looked as frozen as Dongju when he saw him and Hwanwoong practicing together, but his friend didn’t seem to acknowledge him, only hugging Hwanwoong’s waist from behind and lifting him slightly off the ground just to annoy him.

“Oh, are you training with Dongju?”

Dongju was surprised that the man knew his name, looking at Geonhak for an explanation, but all Geonhak did was quickly look away and clear his throat nervously.

“Hyung, you have no manners,” Hwanwoong sighed, then turned to Dongju with a sheepish smile. “The truth is, Geonhak-hyung told us about meeting you at the auditions and we really wanted to be your friends for a while now, but Geonhak was too shy. So I took the opportunity to talk to you while these annoying hyungs weren’t there!”

“I’m Kim Youngjo!” the rapper jumped in to introduce himself, completely ignoring Hwanwoong’s insult.

Hwanwoong didn’t give them any more time to talk, easily controlling the two older trainees as if he were the trainer, and now all four of them were practicing together. Dongju loved practicing with other people, especially with Hwanwoong leading them, as it was far easier than what he did until then, but he couldn’t shake one thought out of his mind – why would Geonhak be _shy_ around him?

He asked Hwanwoong about it later, when they were alone again, and he explained that Geonhak was simply a shy person. He never tried to befriend people outside of his small circle, and it even took Youngjo months to get him to go out with him and Hwanwoong. Youngjo told him he was like a baby animal, always seeing new people as a potential danger, and Dongju found that analogy adorably fitting.

Thankfully, he got less shy as weeks went by, and the four of them even went out for ice cream once after practice. Hwanwoong batted his eyelashes at Youngjo to coax him into paying for it, saying it’s a hyung’s job to take care of the younger ones, and Dongju learned early on that Youngjo was a very innocent person, worlds apart from the first impression he left. He didn’t use it against him as much as Hwanwoong did, but he didn’t need to, because Youngjo really took care of all three of them like his own children without even being asked to.

When the time for training group rotations came, the four of them were miraculously still together, with two new additions. Keonhee and Seoho brought new energy into the group, making them all laugh a little louder and a little more often. Dongju went from the lowest to the highest point in his life, unbelievably happy that he could so easily connect to all these new people. They were in the middle of group practice one day, when he suddenly felt like he stepped out of his own body and watched it all unfold from outside. And he realized – he couldn’t do this with anyone other than the people surrounding him right then.

Seoho suggested they all went for dinner when they finished practicing, and Keonhee and Hwanwoong agreed enthusiastically. Youngjo said he was too tired, but he changed his mind after just one pout from Hwanwoong. Dongju was tired too, and he was trying not to eat too late at night so he could maintain his weight, but he waited for Geonhak’s response first.

“Sorry guys, I was going to hit the gym tonight,” Geonhak said.

“ _The gym?_ After six hours of dancing?” Keonhee shouted in shock.

“Yeah, some of us don’t like looking like toothpicks,” Geonhak teased him, and Keonhee wrapped his lanky arms around himself with an angry frown.

“You’re coming, right, Dongju-ya?” Seoho turned to him. Dongju apologized and said he was too sleepy, but they didn’t tease him like they did Geonhak. He secretly loved being the youngest, because everyone had a not-so-hidden soft spot for him that let him get away with anything. Keonhee did try to coax him into going anyway, but Youngjo told him “the baby needs sleep”, and they let him and Geonhak go home.

It was the first time he was alone with Geonhak since the auditions, if that could even count. Geonhak turned back into his shy self Dongju thought they’d left behind, but despite the occasional silence, it was nice and comfortable. Dongju’s whole body was sore, and Geonhak’s deep voice along with the warm night and the chirp of crickets lulled him to sleep even as he was walking.

Remembering the realization he had during practice that day, he asked Geonhak when the next group rotation would be. He dreaded it, didn’t even want to think about it, but Geonhak just laughed.

“Is this your first company?” he asked, with a strange softness in his voice, and Dongju nodded. “The groups aren’t shuffled randomly. They’re trying to figure out who works best with whom, not put us into tiers. That’s why they kept the four of us together for so long, that’s how the debut line-up is decided. Youngjo-hyung and Hwanwoong trained with Keonhee and Seoho-hyung for a year before you and I joined, but the company wants to keep training groups small, so the instructors could focus on everyone. But now that the six of us are here, I… I’m so happy. It feels perfect to me.”

Dongju’s lips parted to say something, but his breath got caught up in his throat. He stared at Geonhak, who was looking at the moon with a smile, and he understood the depth of Dongmyeong’s feelings for his bandmates. He understood what it was like to have a family you’re not related to by blood, what it’s like to belong, and no matter how terrified he was of losing that, of not being good enough to debut with them, the moon kept shining and whispering that everything was going to be okay.

* * *

Four months later, they were told they would debut together.

Dongju hadn’t even been a trainee for a year, so he asked Hwanwoong to pinch him when they heard the announcement. He still didn’t feel worthy of it. There was Keonhee, who could stay stable throughout a song while dancing and still sound amazing, and Seoho who could hit four-step high notes in his sleep. There was Hwanwoong, the most versatile dancer Dongju had ever seen, who executed both cute girl group and sexy boy group choreographies equally well, and Youngjo and Geonhak, with each their own unique rapping tone but also enviable singing skills. And there was Dongju, who, despite all his improvement, still felt like nothing in particular, just like he’d told Geonhak at the auditions.

He spent the months leading up to their debut in a daze – all he did was practice, just like when he was a trainee, but it wasn’t as draining this time around, because his dream wasn’t so far out of reach. Dongju remembered those months by bruises on his legs, a soreness that never left his muscles, sweaty towels and Hwanwoong counting the beats. It was a very strange time in his life, the first time he was separated from his family for that long, and yet it was also one of his happiest memories. Because he got to spend every moment of the day with his new family.

Dongju had always found comfort in food, and debut preparations took even that away from him, so at the end of each day, he only had an hour or so before bed to text his brother, and that was what tied him to reality and stopped him from losing himself in the madness. But Dongmyeong was busy too, and Dongju soon became too tired to even plug his charger before bed, and he felt himself slowly drifting into a scary world where he wasn’t a twin.

Rationally, he knew they could never _stop_ being twins – he’d always known, even before Dongmyeong realized it. But the comfort of knowing Dongmyeong was always a phone call away wasn’t the same as actually having him there, being able to hear him laugh and bite his arm when he deserved it. He felt like a child getting nervous about sleeping over at a friend’s house for the first time – not being next to Dongmyeong was simply unknown territory, and Dongju didn’t like the unknown.

The night before their debut, Dongju couldn’t sleep, anxiety crashing over him in waves. He tried to turn his thoughts to a happier place, listing all the things that made him feel at ease. A warm cup of cafe latte, re-watching his favorite musicals wrapped up in blankets while it rained outside, ordering chicken at two in the morning, talking to Dongmyeong.

He reminded himself of the thing he was trying his hardest to repress, the separation anxiety that only added to his worries about debuting. Dongju was thrown into adulthood, suddenly a full-time singer even though he didn’t feel deserving of that title yet, and he didn’t even have a twin to distract the world with flashy make-up when it turned against him. His thoughts started racing faster and faster, until they were shouting over each other, making Dongju afraid of the darkness of his own closed eyelids.

He knew getting sleep before the day that would forever change his life was crucial, but he was also aware he could only get swallowed by his own dark thoughts if he stayed in bed. He decided to go out on their little terrace that was really only used for hanging laundry. It was small and there wasn’t much of a view, but there was nowhere else he could go.

Treading carefully so as to not wake up his members, Dongju snuck out and closed the door behind himself. He tried to remember the few big constellations he learned about in middle school, and he was surprised he could still trace them. Running his finger up and down Orion over and over was strangely soothing, even though the night was freezing cold.

The clock on his phone showed three, and he knew Dongmyeong was asleep by now, but he was the only person he wanted to talk to. Of course, his brother called him earlier that day to ask him how he was feeling about his debut, and he would surely call him first thing in the morning to wish him luck once again, but he needed him _now_ , when even the moon felt like it was watching him with disapproval.

Someone twisted the doorknob of the terrace quietly, trying not to startle him, and Dongju turned around to see Geonhak, with a blanket in his hands.

“What are you doing here so late?” Geonhak whispered. He didn’t look angry, and Dongju felt his cheeks heating up at the sound of his sleep-heavy voice.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“Nah, I couldn’t sleep either,” Geonhak pleaded guilty as he wrapped the blanket around Dongju. “Don’t catch a cold right before our promotions.”

Dongju clutched onto the blanket and turned away from Geonhak, looking at the stars once again. It reminded him of that time they walked home together and Geonhak’s presence made the night sky look a little kinder. Even now, as they stood in silence, he felt the warmth of Geonhak’s body melt his stress away. It felt like someone was listening. Someone was still watching over him. Someone understood.

“Don’t worry about tomorrow,” Geonhak said, still keeping his voice down although Dongju doubted the others could hear them from the terrace. “Everything’s gonna be okay. God knows we’ve worked our butts off to make sure of that.”

Dongju knew it was a thing people said all the time, but when Geonhak said it, he truly felt that everything was going to be okay. In his eyes, Geonhak probably had the power to control the tides too if he wanted to. He didn’t idolize him like he did before, simply because he learned Geonhak was actually quite pure and unintentionally cute in everyday life, but he still thought the world of him, of all his members. They were all the type of men that could do anything they set their mind to, and Dongju wondered if he could become the same one day.

“And if it’s not?” Dongju said in a small voice.

“If not, then whatever!” Geonhak laughed. “Don’t forget your own motto, we’ve practiced that for interviews.”

Dongju giggled too, and he let his heavy head fall onto Geonhak’s shoulder without a second thought. Geonhak stiffened at first, but he soon melted into the contact too, raising his head to look at Orion with Dongju.

There were a few members that gave Dongju generous amounts of physical affection, but Geonhak wasn’t one of them. Dongju had never seen him lay a hand on anyone but Youngjo, and even that was always initiated by the elder, who was by far the clingiest person Dongju knew. Dongju wasn’t touchy either, usually, but he liked stealing people’s body heat when he was sleepy, and Geonhak just so happened to be very, very warm.

And more than that, he felt _safe_. He wrapped an arm around Dongju’s waist, loose and tentative, and even though it was something new for them, it didn’t feel awkward at all. Dongju finally felt at peace, even more than he did while stargazing. Geonhak’s embrace was so comfortable that he never wanted the night to end – it was such a small thing, but he’d gladly take a few more hours of that over debuting.

“You should go to sleep,” Dongju told him, but he made no attempt to move.

“Only if you go too.” Geonhak didn’t move either.

It made a giddy laugh bubble up at the back of Dongju’s throat, and a million dumb scenarios flashed through his mind. He could ask Geonhak to sleep in his bed. He could ask him to pet his hair until he fell asleep, or stroke his arm like his mom did while reading him fairytales. And Geonhak would do it all, without a doubt, because that’s the privilege that came with being the youngest.

But Dongju wasn’t brave enough yet.

“Fine, let’s go to sleep,” he yawned as he detangled himself from Geonhak’s warmth. “Thank you, hyung.”

* * *

Month after month, comeback after comeback, Geonhak stayed Dongju’s rock in anxious times. Ever since the night before their debut, he took it upon himself to take care of Dongju. It was a quiet and natural shift – they itched closer bit by bit, until they started gravitating towards each other instinctively, and Dongju didn’t know what to make of it.

He knew there was _something_ different about Geonhak, but he couldn’t pinpoint what it was. Youngjo was the perfect hyung – a lot more affectionate than other members, caring as if Dongju was his own little brother. Hwanwoong was his best friend, the one he talked to the most and most openly, he simply seemed to understand him. Seoho and Keonhee were the ones that made him laugh the most, the ones he always called when he felt down, his partners in crime. But for some reason, Geonhak, who was none of those things, was the one Dongju wanted to be around all the time.

Geonhak made the world slow down, he made Dongju relaxed and so inexplicably giddy at the same time. On top of the initial admiration, Dongju felt a new fondness every time Geonhak played with him, and he found himself glued to him even after they’d spent the entire day at work together.

He didn’t see anything wrong with it at first, some people simply have that effect on others. Geonhak was good company, because he was warm and funny and never made Dongju feel like he was a bother, and that was all there was to it.

Then he got caught staring at the changing room (thankfully, by Hwanwoong, not Geonhak himself), which made him realize he stared _all the time_ , without even meaning to. They saw each other shirtless all the time – they lived together, so naturally, Dongju had seen all his members in various stages of undress, but it never made his heart speed up except when it was Geonhak. Of course, he was jealous of Geonhak’s physique, and he let his eyes linger on him a little longer, but who wouldn’t? When another member went around with insufficient clothing on, Dongju felt like his innocent eyes were being violated and immediately covered them, but that was a little harder to do when Geonhak was built like _that_.

And then, he found himself half-snuggling half-play fighting with Geonhak while waiting for a performance, and Geonhak laughed and looked at him with what couldn't be anything but pure _love_ , and it made sense.

All the times he felt his heart swell up when Geonhak scrunched his nose started making sense all at once, and Dongju didn't know how he hadn't realized it earlier.

He finally understood how Dongmyeong must’ve felt all those years ago when he was pining over Giwook. It was exhilarating, he couldn't lie, but it was also scary, suffocating, _unknown._

And there was only one thing Dongju did when in a dangerous new situation.

"Are you free tonight?"

"No _how are you,_ no _I missed you, brother dearest_?" Dongmyeong laughed at the other end of the line.

"Is that a yes or no?" Dongju clicked his tongue.

"Why do you sound like you're being chased by the police?"

"You know what, forget -"

Dongju suddenly felt stupid for calling his brother right after their performance ended, without even taking a day to process it on his own. He couldn't tell him. How would he even say it? Would he call it a _crush_? It felt too weak, and Dongju could never, ever get that to leave his mouth.

"I'm free," Dongmyeong stopped him before he could hang up. "I'll pick you up at nine."

"No, it's -"

"See you!" Dongmyeong said cheerfully and hung up before Dongju could protest.

* * *

Dongmyeong got his driver's license right after his 18th birthday, specifically for occasions like this.

They had no reason to hide, so they usually met at cafes or restaurants, but when they needed to have more serious conversations, Dongmyeong's car was their safe place. He didn't get to drive often, but it was handy for trips to their parents' house during the holidays and nights when one or both of them needed emotional support. Dongmyeong's black Toyota pulled up in front of Oneus' dorm at nine p.m. sharp, and it was little things like that that reminded Dongju that their bond is unbreakable.

He got in the car and tried to sound as natural as possible, but it was hard to do when Dongmyeong was staring at him like he was trying to dissect him to his very core.

"Are you hungry?" Dongmyeong asked first. Dongju had already eaten dinner, but a milkshake wouldn't hurt.

Dongmyeong let him stay silent while he drove, and Dongju fiddled with radio stations just to calm his nerves. He finally settled on the newest Stray Kids song, turning the volume up loud enough to distract him from his racing thoughts. Dongju hummed to the song and watched his brother take a turn into the drive-thru of the nearest McDonald's.

"Hello!" Dongmyeong beamed at the speaker, as if the machine could see him. "Two large strawberry milkshakes and three large fries please."

"Three large fries?" Dongju raised an eyebrow.

"I don't want you stealing any of mine."

They drove to the next window and took their food and drinks, which Dongju immediately latched onto as another distraction. He drank half of his milkshake in one gulp, only stopping when he felt his brain freeze.

He expected Dongmyeong to drive off and roam the streets without a destination like they usually did, but he just parked in the McDonald's parking lot. He turned down Dongju's loud radio too, and suddenly the words Dongju wanted to get off his chest seemed a thousand times heavier than they already were.

"So, what's up with you?" Dongmyeong tried to sound casual for Dongju's sake as he chewed on his fry, but he was practically vibrating with curiosity.

"Just the usual stress of promotions, you know," Dongju shrugged, shoving six fries in his mouth at the same time.

"You look happy, though," Dongmyeong noticed. "Scared as fuck, but also kind of happy, so I'm very confused."

"Are you never afraid people are going to find out about you and Giwook and your careers will be over?"

Dongju didn't really want to open so bluntly, but he didn't have anything else to say.

"Ooh, so it's a _love_ thing," Dongmyeong grinned and wiggled his eyebrows, as if Dongju didn't open the heaviest possible topic.

"No, seriously, how can you be so relaxed about it?" 

They had talked about it many times before, and Dongju was still baffled by Dongmyeong's easy-going attitude. When he started dating Giwook, they'd never even dreamed their band would as successful as it was now. When they did get bigger, Dongmyeong was as worried as Dongju now, and even talked with Giwook about breaking up, but they quickly decided that was off the table. They loved each other too much, and living together they were bound to make up sooner or later, so Dongju found it funny that they even considered it. 

In just a few months, Dongmyeong realized worrying was pointless, because there was nothing suspicious about two long-time best friends from the same group hanging out, even in public places. Hiding their relationship turned out to be easier than they expected, but Dongju, knowing himself and how much more paranoid he was than his brother, didn't think he could ever live with such a big secret.

He didn't think he'd ever _have to_ , but there he was. Downing milkshake like shots in the passenger's seat of Dongmyeong's car as if it could wash down his feelings.

“Life just isn’t about worrying, you know?” Dongmyeong said, still chomping on his fries with only his two front teeth like a beaver. “If everyone was scared all the time, no one would be dating, no one would be an idol, no one would probably even drive a car. There’s not a single person in the world that’s not a little bit scared of dating, at least the first time around.”

Dongju could see exactly what Dongmyeong was hinting at and how he was trying to get him to talk about it, but he was slightly off the mark. It was too soon, maybe even pointless altogether, to talk about dating when he had no proof Geonhak liked men, let alone liked _him_.

“You didn’t seem very scared when you started dating,” Dongju recalled. And it was true, Dongmyeong was nothing but excited and overwhelmingly in love. If he did have any fears, he never told Dongju about them, and he highly doubted there was something Dongmyeong hadn’t told him. He was on the very opposite, TMI end of the spectrum at the beginning of the relationship.

“Want to know the truth?” Dongmyeong giggled. “I didn’t think we’d make it this far. It seemed too good to be true to begin with, and that’s why I wasn’t afraid of anything that could happen. We were already so close that I really don’t think I’ll ever “lose” him, I didn’t then and I still don’t now. So as long as I knew he’d always be in my life, I was fine with the relationship not going right. I thought we’d date for a few months and go back to being friends, I don’t know why, but it took me time to process that, wow, this is actually my _boyfriend_.”

“So in conclusion, you’re too dumb to worry?” Dongju summarized.

“And yet you come to me looking for advice,” Dongmyeong snapped right back, throwing a fry at Dongju’s face.

“Remember what you told me four years ago, about how you realized you liked him?”

“How would I remember what I said four years ago?” Dongmyeong laughed.

“ _Nothing special happened, I just looked at him one day and I was like. Wow. This isn’t just friendship_ ,” Dongju quoted him, word for word.

He remembered those words very well, because even back then he locked them at the back of his mind in hopes he would one day be able to relate. He didn’t want it to happen the way it did, but deep down he was still happy to know he’s capable of romantic feelings, and he really was just a late bloomer like everyone said. Dongmyeong studied his face for a while, and Dongju didn’t have the courage to look at him and find out what kind of expression he was wearing. He hoped the dim lighting in the car would cover his blush, and that Dongmyeong understood from his silence what he was trying to talk about, because saying it out loud was far too embarrassing.

“Ah,” Dongmyeong finally got it. “So you realized you like Geonhak-hyung!”

Dongju got so red he couldn’t even speak. He just stared at Dongmyeong with his mouth wide open, wondering for the millionth time if it was like this for all twins, or if he was just cursed with the most quick-witted, observant twin ever.

“Twin telepathy goes both ways, my dude,” Dongmyeong grinned.

“You could’ve at least told me I liked him!” Dongju pinched him out of pure despair. “I didn’t have to get an actual heart attack in the waiting room before a performance!”

“Aww, my little brother isn’t a robot after all!” Dongmyeong cooed and tried to hug his brother, who dodged him like a disgruntled cat. “Tell me all about it. I’m very qualified to give love advice.”

“You just got lucky with one guy and somehow made him stay for four years, that's hardly a qualification,” Dongju rolled his eyes. “There’s nothing to talk about. I just… I guess I just? Ugh, I can’t talk about this!”

“That’s so cute!” Dongmyeong shook Dongju’s shoulders like he was having the time of his life. “Take your time. What is it you like about him?”

“Everything,” Dongju breathed out. “At first I thought it was just his abs, but it’s everything.”

“Why did I even expect anything articulate from you...” Dongmyeong huffed. “But yay! Geonhak-hyung is definitely the type of guy I want for a brother-in-law.”

When Dongju shot him a glare, Dongmyeong raised his arms in defense. “What, he’s of the right age to marry!”

“He’s twenty-three!”

“Aw, look at you protecting him from being called old! But don’t dodge my question, I need to know,” Dongmyeong kept talking in that annoying, high-pitched voice that he only used to baby his brother and ask for favors from his hyungs. He was having too much fun with this.

“I really don’t know, okay?” Dongju grumbled. “I’ve never felt anything like this before. I thought for sure I was having an aneurysm. I told Hwanwoong-hyung to call an ambulance, and he said: _You’re just gay, Dongju._ ”

“Well, you _have_ always been pretty dense,” Dongmyeong took Hwanwoong’s side. “What are you going to do about it?”

“ _Do_ about it?” Dongju mocked the mere idea. “Of course I’m not fucking doing anything. I’ll wait for it to pass. It will pass.”

“Those things don’t just “pass” _,_ Dongju,” Dongmyeong said. “Don’t be a hypocrite. Remember when you forced me to confess to Giwook, and that got me not only a boyfriend but also got both of us many new friends and whole careers?”

“Yeah, but that was when we didn’t have said careers on the line,” Dongju reasoned. “If he doesn’t feel the same way, or if he does but something goes wrong, I’m putting _all_ the hyungs’ hard work on the line. As if I’m not a nuisance already.”

“First of all, you’re not a nuisance, we’ve been over this,” Dongmyeong shot him a tired glare. “And second of all, you really think he doesn’t like you? Do I need to pull out, oh, wait, literally every single video your group ever filmed?

“What are you talking about?”

“Wait, you seriously don’t know?” Dongmyeong looked at him in disbelief. “Look, I didn’t want to say anything because I wanted you to process it at your own pace, but even before I realized you liked him, I realized _he_ likes _you_. I’m not saying that just to make you feel better, Giwook thinks so too, and you know they’re friends.”

“He just acts that way because I’m the maknae,” Dongju dismissed.

“Yeah, see, that’s a great front you can use when you start dating!” Dongmyeong suggested. “And that’s probably what he wants you to think. But come on, you know him better than I do. You know he’s not comfortable being so touchy with anyone else, not even Youngjo-hyung, and they’ve been best friends for years. And it’s _Youngjo-hyung_. I’m telling you, he looks at you the way Giwook looks at me. No mistake about it.”

A part of Dongju wanted to believe his brother’s words, he really did, but another part of him was afraid that they were true. Where would he go from there? Even with rock-solid, indisputable evidence of Geonhak explicitly saying he liked him, Dongju would be afraid of confessing, and then of dating, and the list of fears would only get bigger every day. It was easy for people like Dongmyeong to say fear was pointless, but it had an evolutionarily important function of keeping people out of danger. And Dongju still knew too little about love to know if it was worth the risk.

But it was for Dongmyeong, because he still chose Giwook over a “safe” life every single day. He risked music for Giwook, and Dongmyeong loved music much more than Dongju thought was possible to love anything. Before he’d met Geonhak, he couldn’t even begin to comprehend what it was that made people do such reckless things, but he didn’t think his brother was so reckless anymore. He thought about living in a small cottage with Geonhak after the world had banished them, where their only stage would be the woods and their only audience little birds and squirrels, and it didn’t sound half bad, because he’d still get to dance with Geonhak.

“So, I’m supposed to just… tell him?” Dongju asked softly, incredulously.

“You have to tell him,” Dongmyeong corrected him. “For the sake of your team, and your friendship. Lots of bad things can happen because of repressed emotions.”

Dongmyeong was right. Unfortunately for Dongju, he always was. His brother had a different type of emotional intelligence - while Dongju could understand people’s feelings deeply and bring comfort, Dongmyeong put his empathy aside and brought solutions. Of course, he gave Dongju a shoulder to cry on too, when things were particularly bad, but he never let Dongju allow his emotions to get the best of him. He made him strong.

“So this is the part where you’re not helpful anymore, because you never actually confessed to Giwook,” Dongju laughed.

“But I did something better, didn’t I?” Dongmyeong frowned.

“Yeah, maybe I should just ask Geonhak to start a band together.”

They kept talking late into the night, throwing fries at each other and singing their hearts out to the radio. Dongju didn’t admit it out loud, but he needed a night like that. He got his mind off of Geonhak and promotions and everything else for a few hours, and it was enough to give him a new surge of energy. He didn’t feel ready to confess, not yet. He had to adjust to it first, get used to the weight of these feelings on his heart. Saying it out loud for the first time was already a big step, one that would probably take months if he didn’t have his twin.

And he knew that, no matter how the confession, or anything else in his life turned out, Dongmyeong would be the one thing he could never lose.

**4.**

Dongju wanted a cute love story like his brother.

He never cared much for grand gestures or missing out on high school romance, and he thought romcoms were, to be blunt, boring. But he did feel a tug at his heartstrings when Dongmyeong got that first Valentine’s Day gift from Giwook, maybe just because he loved both of them dearly and had been rooting for them, maybe because it was so innocent yet so bold at the same time. 

He could vividly recall Dongmyeong’s shock when he opened his locker to find his first-ever box of home-made chocolates (he did get a few letters next to it, but he never bothered to open them), and then seeing a note on the lid with his best friend’s name on it. He remembered how they screamed together in the hallways, how Dongmyeong’s hands were shaking because he had no idea what to do next, and how fondly he held a single deformed heart-shaped chocolate in both his hands, like a baby chick just breaking out of its shell.

Dongju left the two alone after school that day to talk things through, and he heard it was awkward and embarrassing and very difficult to actually say the word “boyfriend”, but he’d never seen Dongmyeong’s face glowing like that. It looked like he would burst from happiness, and that was the first time Dongju wished he had someone who made him feel like that.

But now that he did, he wanted to go back - he wanted to go back so badly, to the time when he didn’t have to keep secrets from his closest friends, when he didn’t feel like an accidental brush against Geonhak’s hand would set him on fire and burn him alive.

They finished up the promotions. Dongju felt like the weeks flew by too quickly, but also like he’d aged ten years during that one month. Just like every time they finished promoting, everyone was in a strangely melancholic mood, caught somewhere between happy and empty. They were exhausted, and they were more than satisfied with everything they’d achieved, but they would also miss the hustle and bustle of music shows. 

Dongju felt the same way, but he knew he could use a break, and some time to seriously reflect upon his feelings instead of leaving them aside until he cleared his schedule. He’d already planned out his entire free weekend - dinner with the members first, because it was tradition, a spa day with Hwanwoong on Saturday morning and a solo musical marathon at night, and brunch with Dongmyeong on Sunday. 

After the group dinner, filled with laughter and retellings of memories they’d made together and a bit more beer than Dongju could handle, he was ready to go to bed in all his clothes and sleep until noon the next day. He would’ve dozed off in the car, if not for Geonhak staring at him during the entire ride home.

Most members did just what Dongju had planned to do, said their good night’s and disappeared into their rooms. He’d briefly considered falling asleep on the couch without even taking his make-up off, before Geonhak sat down beside him and started doing it for him.

“What are you doing?” Dongju mumbled sleepily, trying to get away from the make-up wipe in Geonhak’s hand. The other hand was cradling his jawline to keep him still, and Dongju’s tipsy mind wanted to rub into it like a cat and trap Geonhak’s arm so he couldn’t go to sleep without him. But he knew he couldn’t.

“You’re going to complain about your skin breaking out later,” Geonhak said simply, and kept gently running the wipe along Dongju’s cheeks to make sure he got all the foundation off. Dongju opened his eyes to see Geonhak staring again, just like he did in the car, and it made him angry. He had no right to act like that when he didn’t like him back. It was just cruel.

“Leave me alone,” he ground his teeth and weakly slapped Geonhak’s hand away from his face. The elder took a step back, and Dongju hated how hurt he looked.

“What’s up with you lately?” Geonhak chuckled, but Dongju could see the worry in his eyes. “You’re usually so clingy, but ever since we started promoting all you do is push me away.”

“You don’t have to treat me like a child anymore,” Dongju said. “It’s cute, for the fans or whatever, but you don’t have to do it when there are no cameras around.”

It was something Dongju tried not to think about, but deep down, it was probably what hurt him the most. The way Geonhak saw him as a kid. He came to hate it as much as he loved it - because he did love the way Geonhak played and took care of him, but he hated that he’d never see him as anything more than that. He was nothing more than a cute maknae in his eyes, and no matter how he dressed, spoke or acted, Geonhak would never find him attractive in a mature type of way.

“And what if I want to do it?” Geonhak asked quietly.

Dongju knew Geonhak wasn’t drunk, he had a high alcohol tolerance and never drank more than one beer, to maintain his muscles. But he was looking at him like he didn’t know what he was doing, like the words escaped him against his will, and now he had no idea where they would lead him. It was unfair, it was all unfair.

“Maybe I don’t want it.”

“Sorry,” Geonhak’s voice broke. “I didn’t know it bothered you. I’ll stop.”

Geonhak crumpled the make-up wipe in his fist and got off the couch, and Dongju wanted to take his hand and stop him, he wanted to take back everything he said because even if it was just for show, even if it hurt him, he couldn’t imagine living without Geonhak’s casual touches, never being able to hold his hand or hug him from behind. He wanted to play pretend, just for a little longer, just until it destroys him.

But instead, he broke into tears.

A loud sob ripped from his throat before he could stop it, and Geonhak immediately turned around. Previous feelings all disappeared from his face and made place for nothing but confusion and fear that he was the reason Dongju was crying. Despite what they’d said just moments ago, he returned to the couch and only hesitated for a split-second before hugging Dongju tightly, because he couldn’t just stand and do nothing while tears were streaming down his face.

“What’s wrong?” he asked frantically, his hand finding its way back to the curve of Dongju’s wet cheek. “Dongju, look at me. Please, please look at me.”

But Dongju couldn’t. He couldn’t stop crying, even when his lip started bleeding from how hard he was biting it, and he definitely couldn’t face Geonhak. All he could do was return his embrace and cry into his chest, clutching onto his shirt like a lifeline. He couldn’t bear to lose him.

“I can’t do this,” he sobbed. “I didn’t want it to end like this, but I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, hyung.”

“Why are you sorry?” Geonhak was still lost. “Dongju-ya, you didn’t do anything wrong, okay?”

“But I did!” Dongju shouted out of desperation, tears still breaking his sentences in half, and he pushed Geonhak away again. “I fell in love with you, hyung! Please, please do something. Please tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you’ll never love me, tell me I’m disgusting. Tell me you hate me. Just do something!”

Dongju knew he was being unfair. He was, once again, asking Geonhak to do everything for him, but he knew there was nothing Geonhak could do about his feelings. That was on him. All he could feel was anger, anger at himself for ever letting things come to that point, for being too weak to control his emotions, for allowing his selfishness to ruin the most precious friendship of his life. And Geonhak just sat there frozen.

“I…” he stuttered. “I can’t tell you that.”

“It’s fine, I know it already,” Dongju smiled and wiped his tears with the back of his sleeve.

“No, you don’t -” Geonhak pulled on his wrist when he stood up from the couch, but Dongju escaped his weak grip easily. He didn’t want Geonhak’s pity. He didn’t want to hear it was “flattering” and he “loved him too, but as a friend”. He knew it was bound to come, but he didn’t have to listen to it.

“I’ll be at Dongmyeong’s,” he informed him. “Don’t worry about me, okay? And please don’t tell anyone else about this. I’ll get over it. We’ll go back to normal soon, I promise.”

“Dongju, please, you don’t -” Geonhak began again, but Dongju was already out the door. He didn’t take anything with him, not even a jacket or a toothbrush, and he slipped on his house slippers instead of putting on real shoes. 

And he was gone.

Dongmyeong answered his call on the first ring, because Dongju never called that late. He started crying again the second he heard his brother’s voice, so he hadn’t even said anything before Dongmyeong told him he’d be there in twenty. Thankfully, their dorms weren’t far, and Dongmyeong didn’t have much respect for speed limits, so Dongju only stood in front of his building in bunny slippers like an idiot for fifteen minutes.

When they reached Onewe’s dorm, all the lights were on and the members were seated on the couch in a miserable attempt at looking casual. They were probably woken up by the obnoxious ringtone Dongmyeong had set up exclusively for his brother, and they were all horrible actors - Dongju could see from the hallway Yonghoon was already fighting back tears.

“Everyone, back to sleep,” Dongmyeong ordered, and it was one of those rare instances where Dongju was thankful for their twin telepathy.

“Do you want some tea?” Hyungu asked quietly.

“No thanks, hyung,” Dongju smiled at him. “Let’s catch up in the morning.”

Hyungu nodded, and the others followed the orders as well and went back to their rooms. Giwook gave Dongmyeong a kiss on the cheek and told him he’d be up if they needed anything, and the way Dongmyeong smiled at him made Dongju want to cry again.

The rest of the night was filled with hugs, tears, a large order of spicy chicken not even a broken-hearted man with a twin could finish, and Dongju fell asleep at four in the morning, in his brother’s arms.

* * *

He woke up with a million messages on his phone the next morning, all of which from Hwanwoong.

_“what happened to our spa day, huh >:(“ _

_“should’ve known you’d abandon me for your brother’s hot friends :(“_

_“when are you coming back???”_

_“btw, do you know why geonhak-hyung’s acting so weird? i asked him where you were this morning and he just said “onewe’s” and ran out the dorm”_

_“well sorry but i’ll have to have my spa day alone if you don’t come here soon!! my skin looks crusty af ew”_

_“have fun and say hi to myeongie for me, ily!!!”_

Dongju appreciated his best friend’s concern, but he didn’t have the energy to reply. He had no idea when he would be able to face Geonhak again, but definitely not during their free week. Onewe already told him he was welcome to stay over as long as he needed, although he’d be alone a lot because they still had schedules. Dongmyeong hadn’t told anyone the reason for his sudden visit, except maybe Giwook, but if he did know, he showed no signs of it and didn’t press Dongju for answers. He remembered the times when it was just him and MAS, and as much as he missed the simplicity of it, he realized he could never live without his members again.

Dongmyeong told his band to go to practice without him and that he’d join them in an hour. Now that they'd slept on last night’s events and Dongju showed no signs of crying, Dongmyeong used the opportunity to talk some sense into him, the way he always did.

“You never gave him a chance to say anything, you know,” Dongmyeong reasoned. “You should’ve heard him out.”

Dongju knew that, of course, but in the state he was in that night, he couldn’t have handled a verbal rejection too. If he’d heard those words, in Geonhak’s broken, apologetic voice, he knew they would’ve haunted him for months to come. There was nothing Geonhak could’ve said to make it better, so he thought he was doing them both a favor by ending the conversation as soon as possible, but Geonhak definitely should’ve had a chance to express his feelings too. 

“You know you’ll have to talk to him again when you go back, don’t you?” 

“No, I’ll just pretend nothing happened,” Dongju said simply.

“No, bad Dongju,” Dongmyeong scolded him. “If you do that, I’ll tell Youngjo-hyung everything, and you _know_ he’ll have you locked up in a room until you make up. And also, I still think he loves you.”

“You’re so insensitive,” Dongju huffed out a laugh, because he couldn’t believe Dongmyeong was still trying to comfort him with false hope. “If he loves me, why didn’t he even text me?”

“Because you pushed him away. He’s afraid of hurting you even more, so he’s holding back for your sake.”

Even if what Dongmyeong was saying was true, the damage was done, and Dongju couldn’t imagine ever going back to how he was with Geonhak. His heart broke again at the thought of never cuddling backstage again, never falling asleep on Geonhak’s lap after a particularly tiring day and waking up in his own bed, wrapped up in two blankets and with his teddy bear in his arms, because Geonhak always made sure to give him his teddy bear when carrying him to his bed after he fell asleep in strange and uncomfortable places.

He tried not to think about it after Dongmyeong went to practice and he was left alone in the apartment, he put on a musical to watch on his brother’s laptop like he’d intended to do anyway, but it was hard to concentrate. The room Dongmyeong shared with his boyfriend was filled with little mementos of their relationship, walls covered in polaroids, a big heart-shaped pillow that said _World’s Best Boyfriend_ that Dongmyeong got for Giwook for their first anniversary, stacks of CDs with playlists Giwook made for Dongmyeong, because he was cheesy like that and had to do it the old-fashioned way instead of just sending a Spotify link. It was a place where lovers lived, and Dongju felt like an intruder despite being Dongmyeong’s closest family. He felt like all the framed pictures and potted plants were mocking him, because he’d never have those things with his own special person.

That night, when Onewe returned home and Dongju woke up from his third heartbreak nap of the day, they got a pre-paid samgyupsal delivery that none of them ordered. Everyone was ecstatic and told Dongju he didn’t have to buy so much food just to thank them, but they wouldn’t believe him when he said he had no idea where it came from either.

As they ate, he noticed a new notification on his phone.

**From: Geonhakie <3**

Eat well

And please come home soon

* * *

After four days of hiding from the world, Dongju had to leave his brother’s dorm.

Youngjo started bombarding him with messages, whining about missing his baby, and then Hwanwoong got even more annoying because he was jealous, and Seoho begged him to come back before Geonhak bit his head off. According to him, he hadn’t spoken a word in four days and only growled when Seoho tried to make him laugh.

Dongju parted from Onewe with a heavy heart, because he did enjoy spending time with them despite the circumstances. Harin packed him a home-cooked lunch to take home to Oneus, because god knows they didn’t have a gifted chef like Harin, and Dongmyeong kept reminding him that he’s _always_ there if anything happens. It felt a little like they were sending their child to war, but it also made Dongju laugh for the first time that week.

It felt strange, coming to his own house like he was stepping into a minefield. Youngjo, of course, launched himself at Dongju before he even took his shoes off, Hwanwoong bit his arm for missing spa day, and Keonhee immediately asked if he wanted to eat, because Youngjo cut down his delivery food budget while he was alone. And Geonhak was nowhere to be found.

“Where’s Geonhak-hyung?” he managed to ask after Keonhee finished ranting about the new drama he'd started. The atmosphere instantly darkened, and Dongju feared the worst.

“About that…” Youngjo started carefully while the others stared down at their plates. “Geonhakie’s not doing so well. He’s at the gym all the time, and he won’t talk to any of us. You’re probably the only one he’ll talk to.”

Dongju had to laugh at that. “Trust me, I’m the last person he wants to talk to.”

“Something happened between you two, didn’t it?” Hwanwoong slammed his chopsticks down a little louder than he had intended.

“Woong -”

“No, I know he talked to you about it, so why can’t the rest of us know?!” Hwanwoong faced Youngjo. “We’re not dumb. You disappear without a word, and then Geonhak goes all quiet, and we’re just supposed to pretend it’s normal? We’re a team. If it’s something that’s going to affect the team, we have the right to know.”

Keonhee and Seoho didn’t want to meddle, but they knew it was pointless to argue with Hwanwoong.

“It’s not going to affect the team,” Dongju said seriously. “I’m sorry, it’s all my fault. I’ll talk to him as soon as he gets home, so don’t worry.”

“Okay, I trust you,” Hwanwoong seemed satisfied enough with the answer. “I just want the two of you back. No one’s bitten me all week.”

Seoho took it from there and made the conversation light again. Dongju enjoyed being with his members again, but there was a distinct Geonhak-shaped emptiness in the corner of his eye at all times, and he realized he needed to fix things as soon as possible. He didn’t know how, but he was going to do it.

* * *

**To: Dongmyeong**

im coming over 

**From: Dongmyeong**

uh-oh ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡

should i steal some of yonghoon-hyung's beer?

**To: Dongmyeong**

preferably all of it

Dongju appeared on his door with an unreadable expression, so Dongmyeong immediately handed him a beer and waited for them to sit down on the bed before he asked any questions.

He waited for Dongju to start, but he only took big gulps of his beer and avoided his eyes. It was making him nervous. And then, Dongju burst into laughter.

"Shit, sorry, I wanted to fuck with you, but I just can't hold it in," Dongju laughed, and then pulled the neckline of his sweater just an inch lower. Dongmyeong immediately saw two bright red hickeys on his collarbone.

"You little shit!" Dongmyeong squealed as he pushed his brother. Some beer was spilled on his bed in the process, but he didn't care. "When did this happen?!"

"Last night, hyung told me he talked about it with Youngjo-hyung, and he realized he'd regret it for the rest of his life if he missed a chance to be with me," Dongju bragged. "Also, Youngjo-hyung is gonna confess to Hwanwoong now too, apparently, so that's gonna be really annoying. They're gross enough as it is."

Dongmyeong kept screaming at frequencies that were threatening to pierce Dongju's eardrums, but he couldn't contain the giddy smile on his face.

"Wait, don't tell me..." Dongmyeong's expression suddenly darkened. "You didn't... He didn't... With my innocent little brother..."

"What the hell are you thinking of?!" Dongju's face turned beet-red. "Of course we haven't! Do you really think... Ugh!"

"Ah, right, right, you couldn't even find the courage to confess until a week ago, how would you suddenly..." Dongmyeong giggled nervously to soothe his own nerves. "But you have to tell me if he tries anything, okay?!"

"Ugh, I don't need to hear this from you," Dongju rolled his eyes, still flustered. "We live with four other people, it would take a miracle to get the dorm to ourselves."

"Good, good, I'll tell them to never go out together," Dongmyeong mumbled to himself, earning a pillow to the face from his twin. "Now tell me the whole story. I need details."

Dongju could barely stop smiling for long enough to actually talk, because the memories of last night made him feel like his chest would burst from happiness.

When Geonhak returned home that night, everyone else had already gone to bed. Dongju was struggling to stay awake too, but the heavy beating of his heart kept him up until he heard the door unlock. Geonhak got so frozen when he realized Dongju was back that he couldn’t even greet him properly.

“You really shouldn’t be at the gym so late,” Dongju scolded him instead of a hello. “You’re going to injure yourself.”

“How… How have you been?”

“Can we go talk on the terrace?” Dongju said at the same time. They giggled a little at their poor timing, before Geonhak agreed to go outside.

Dongju was wearing his thickest blanket like a cape, but he could still feel early February on his face. It reminded him of that night a year ago, the night before their debut, when Geonhak first hugged him. That might’ve been when it all started. 

Or maybe it was the auditions, when he mistook his attraction for envy, or their trainee days, when he masked his feelings as pure admiration. But he realized, his love for Geonhak didn’t have a beginning or an end - all those memories he kept close to his heart were just moments when he fell in love again, and before he could realize he was falling, he’d hit the cold hard ground and broke all his bones.

He realized at that moment that he didn’t want to let go of Geonhak, he didn’t want to stop loving him, even if it would take the pain away. He didn’t want to, but he had to.

“I’m sorry I didn’t hear you out that night,” Dongju started. “I just don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I hope you don’t hate me.”

“I could never hate you,” Geonhak sighed softly. Dongju still couldn’t look at him, because he knew he would cry, but he felt Geonhak’s warm eyes on the side of his face, and he thought that might be enough to break him.

“Are you ready to hear what I have to say now?” Dongju nodded.

Geonhak took a deep breath, looking at the sky as if he were talking to the moon and not him, and Dongju could finally look at him now that he knew their eyes wouldn’t meet. He waited for him to start talking, but Geonhak just started shifting his weight from one foot to another, eyes going back and forth and a nervous smile on his face.

“Fuck, this isn’t going to work,” Geonhak breathed out. “I went over it with Youngjo-hyung a thousand times, I promised him I could do it, but… It's stupid, okay? Let’s just forget it.”

“Went over what?” Dongju cocked an eyebrow. “Have you prepared a whole _speech_ to reject me?”

“I prepared a speech to tell you I love you,” Geonhak said all in one breath, making Dongju’s mind race to just barely catch the words.

It was silent for a while after that. Now Dongju knew how Geonhak must’ve felt when he sprung that confession on him.

“Wow, um,” Dongju swallowed awkwardly. “Um. You don’t have to say that to make me feel better.”

“I’m saying it because it’s true. I love you, and it’s scary.”

To be honest, Dongju hadn’t thought that far ahead. The only scenario he could see in his head was rejection, even before his confession, so he never stopped to think about what he’d do if Geonhak actually returned his feelings. And there they were.

“Are you… are you sure?” Dongju blinked dumbly.

“Hell, I’ve been sure since I saw you at the auditions,” Geonhak laughed, and he finally looked at him. “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. But I still don’t know what to do about it.”

“Yeah, I… I mean, I’m sure of my feelings too, but… we’re idols.”

The implications of Dongju’s words were as clear as they were heartbreaking, and they fell into another silence.

“All this time, I’ve been a huge hypocrite,” Geonhak’s deep, nervous laugh echoed again. “I’ve been telling Youngjo-hyung to confess to Hwanwoong since before I even joined RBW, I told him his career shouldn’t stop him from experiencing true love, but… It’s hard.”

“Yeah…” Dongju sighed again, and it seemed to be the only word he could say.

“But, still… I’ll regret it if I miss this chance. I know I will,” Geonhak finally decided. “Because you mean the world to me, Dongju, and I’m old enough to know we’re not just going to go back to being friends after this. So, as long as you want to, I’m willing to risk it.”

Dongju didn’t know how to say that yes, yes, he’d put his life in Geonhak’s hands if he needed to, yes, he loved him so much that there was no space left for fear in his heart, so instead, he just hugged him as hard as he could.

Geonhak melted into him immediately, and judging by the giggle that bubbled in his throat, right where Dongju had buried his warm face, he knew what the hug meant. He planted a little kiss in Dongju’s hair, hugging him for a while before he whispered they should go inside. It was just like that night, except this time Dongju did ask him to sleep in the same bed, and Geonhak couldn’t refuse even if he wanted to.

By the time he finished his retelling, they were already halfway through their second beers, and it had made both their faces red and made tears well up in Dongmyeong’s eyes because he was just so happy his little brother was loved and taken care of, even when he himself couldn’t be there for him. Dongju, of course, rolled his eyes at him for being so dramatic, but he knew very well how his brother was feeling, because he felt the same way when Dongmyeong had just started dating.

"That's so cute!" Dongmyeong couldn’t stop cooing. "Ah, I might be a little jealous..."

"Why? Don't you have your own boyfriend?"

"I mean, yeah, but..." Dongmyeong fiddled with his blanket with a sad smile on his face. "Well, as you said, we live with three more guys, and we're literally always busy. I can't remember the last time we actually, like, talked in private, let alone anything else."

"Why don't you just ask your members to give you some privacy? They all know you're dating anyway."

"It's not that simple... When we come back from our schedules, it's already really late and everyone's dead tired, so even if we had privacy we'd just, like, take a nap together."

"Well, at least your anniversary's coming up," Dongju saw Dongmyeong's face fall even further down. "You are doing something for your anniversary, right? Son Dongmyeong."

"Yeah, a variety in the morning, then practice," Dongmyeong smiled apologetically. "But we have a free night, at least! Maybe a movie marathon with the guys?"

“No. Absolutely not,” Dongju cut him off. “Come on, remember how you went to Lotte World for your first anniversary?”

“Ah, stop, you’re gonna make me cry!” Dongmyeong laughed, but Dongju could see his eyes getting glassy again. “We could go to Lotte World again next year. It just happens to be a busy day, you know.”

Dongju clicked his tongue again, but he knew his brother was the most stubborn person in the world. Instead of trying to prove to him that he deserved some quality time with his boyfriend, he put on a Twice song and watched his brother's face light up as he jumped to do the choreography, following not too far behind him.

He realized once again that all the happiness he’d ever felt wouldn’t have been so special if he didn’t have Dongmyeong to share it with. Even now that he had friends that were like family to him, and an absolute angel of a boyfriend, and thousands of fans around the world, Dongmyeong was still the most precious person in his life.

As long as they could dance together, they’d be alright.

**+1**

Dongmyeong could barely feel his fingers after a whole day of practicing and a variety appearance.

He had stayed behind at practice a little longer than usual, and Giwook locked himself in his studio instead of practicing with everyone else, both in an attempt to forget it was yet another anniversary they were too busy to celebrate.

They had said "happy anniversary" in the morning and kissed like they always did, and that was about it. Dongmyeong got Giwook a new leopard-print hoodie, because it was probably the only thing he didn't have in leopard, and Giwook said he had a gift prepared, but he would have to wait for tomorrow to see it. Again, there was just not enough time.

To be honest, it made Dongmyeong sad. He tried his best not to dwell on it, because he was fully aware he'd have to sacrifice some things in order to be a musician, but he couldn't help but want it all. He remembered how they'd spent days excitedly planning their first two anniversary dates, just spending the entire twenty-four hours together doing fun things neither of them had done before, or at least not in a romantic context.

There was their first anniversary date to Lotte World, where they tried out every single ride, held each other through the scarier ones, and sneaked a kiss in the photobooth. Dongmyeong kept that photo strip on his bedside table and always smiled at it the second he opened his eyes in the morning - it wasn't their first picture together, but it was the only time he ever kissed Giwook in public. For their second anniversary, they had planned a trip to the countryside so they could watch the stars, but Dongmyeong got sick just a day before their trip and they had to reschedule. Instead, they spent the day cooking and cuddling at Dongmyeong's, but it was none the less magical than stargazing.

Though their third anniversary was a bit busier, they still found time to make a fancy breakfast together before going to practice, but this year, there wasn't a single free second in their schedules. What was even sadder was that their anniversary was on _Valentine's Day,_ so they really only had that one day a year where they could be over-the-top sappy. They usually weren't one of those couples, but Dongmyeong jumped at every opportunity to show his boyfriend just how much he loved him. And those opportunities were only getting fewer and fewer.

He almost didn't hear his phone go off over the sound of the keyboard, but thankfully, Harin had stolen his phone once and set an annoyingly loud notification sound for the band's group chat, because he apparently "never replied to them".

**From: Yonghoon**

@Giwook @Dongmyeong get back to the dorm or we're starting the movie without you!!!

**From: Hyungu**

harin's gonna eat all the snacks

**From: baby <3**

coooming

Dongmyeong bit back a smile and let them know he was on his way too, before shoving the phone back into his pocket and skipping to the dorm. It may not have been the most romantic way to spend Valentine's Day/your fourth anniversary with the love of your life, but Dongmyeong would be lying if he said he didn't like his band's movie nights.

He met Giwook outside the company's building and they walked home together though, so that had to count for something.

However, when they reached their apartment, it was dead silent and almost completely dark. Ah, so it was a horror night. Not really what Dongmyeong was in the mood for, but it would give him an excuse to cling to Giwook a little more than what was usually tolerated when they were all together. And laugh at Harin's high-pitched screams.

"We're home," Giwook shouted as they kicked their shoes off in the hallway. "Don't try to scare us, you know Yonghoon-hyung is the only one who cries when you do that."

They made their way to the living room, but there was no one there. Instead, what they found was an empty couch covered in rose petals, a box of chocolate-covered strawberries on the table, and scented candles spread all over the room.

"Oh my god," Dongmyeong laughed. "Did you plan this?"

"I wish I did, but no, I had no idea," Giwook admitted.

Before Dongmyeong could take everything in, his phone pinged with notifications again.

**From: Yonghoon**

oops sorry we went to karaoke with oneus instead!!! stay safe ily babies <3

**From: Harin**

not on the couch tho i eat there

**From: Hyungu**

well maybe if you started eating at the kitchen table like a normal person

Dongmyeong had just finished giggling at his band members' shenanigans, when another notification popped up.

**From: Dongju**

have fun, "hyung" ;) :*

Dongju knew it wasn't enough to repay everything his brother had ever done for him, but it was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for coming this far! This was a bit rushed and I'm not very happy with it, but I hope you were able to enjoy <3  
> And a big thank you to the prompter for giving me this amazing prompt and a lot of freedom, I tried to keep it light-hearted but ended up with this 20k monster, but I hope I didn't disappoint too much! We as a society do not talk enough about the Son twins, and I intend to change that with many more fics to come 😌


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